oh, you sneaky devil.

last night was one of those nights where you throw on phineas and ferb just to have some background noise, and then stay up until one or 2 doing homework on your couch until you finally fall asleep with your giant dog molded into your body cause the two of you don't really fit on the couch together, but he doesn't like to sleep without you. so basically, it was the perfect setting to have some really crazy over the top dream. and that

so basically, the dream started with a summons from the devil. i went to some random office building where he had offices on the top floor, and found about 20 people who had been summoned there as well. there were close to an equal number of men and women, and we ranged in age from 20 to probably 55, and none of us really knew why we were there and i think it would be safe to say that all of us were nervous. i mean, we'd be summoned by The Devil. who wouldn't be at least a little nervous?

we all had assigned seats at tables around the room, which was set up like a kindergarten classroom/ballet studio. there were cubbies for shoes and mini coat racks when you first walked in the room, and then there was a big hardwood floor and a wall of mirrors, like in any ballet class i've ever had. in part of the room there were some short, long tables and mini chairs, and then a large space for mats and reading timel, and dancing, or whatever kindergartners do, situated in front of the mirror wall. we all sat at the short tables as we waited for that devil to show up.

which he did.
with an assistant who wore glasses and carried a clipboard, on which he wrote constant notes. this assistant didn't speak.

 in case anyone was wondering, the devil is moderately tall, pretty skinny yet toned, fashionable, charming, handsome, late 20's, funny, charismatic, polite, super friendly.
you know, like a devil would be.

 he comes in and basically explains to us that we're all here to play a game, but first he wants to get to know us better, and we might want to get to know each other better as well. and the most off thing about him is, there's no malice in his voice. he doesn't have a single trace of hatred or anger or spite or cruelty, or even cunning, none of those bad traits that the devil's supposed to have. and i've always been a very good reader of people, so this totally throws me off and weirds me out.

so we played with playdough. and sang kid songs, and played get to know you games while standing in a giant circle, and colored. sometimes the devil lead us in discussions, or asked us questions, and sometimes we just talked among ourselves, but it wasn't long until we were all pretty comfortable with our situation. hat is, until the devil casually throws out that he's taking two of of with him to hell by the end of the day, and it doesn't matter which two because we all deserved to be there; each of us was summoned for a reason.

that left me wracking my brain, frantically trying to figure out how i deserved to go to hell. what had i done that was so bad? not to brag, but i'm a generally pretty good person- i'm honest, i'm giving, i care for my neighbors. it was driving me nuts.

then it was nap time. everyone had a cot, a blanket, and a pillow laid out for them on the large floor space, and we all climbed into our respective nap time  beds. my cot was next to a black woman who i had made friends with earlier, and we whispered with each other for a while until we noticed that other people had fallen asleep and it was probably time to be quiet. even though so far the devil had been nothing but polite and kind, we didn't really want to tick him off to see what would happen.

after naps, the costs are all put away and little mats are brought out for us to sit on. so far, most of our activities had been at large tables or in circles, so that we were all able to see one another, but now the mats are set up in more of a classroom style, with the devil sitting on a tall stool up front and the mats all facing him.  he told us we were going to play one more get to know you game, this time to see who had empathy and who didn't.

no one reacted to that sentence like i thought they should.
because i knew, i KNEW that this was it, this was THE test, it was why we were here, and i KNEW that one of us was going to get tortured, and this would determine who.
and i do not do well with torture.

he asked us question after question, sometimes as a group, sometimes individually. my brain scrambled and searched, completely in panic mode, as i tried my hardest not to scream. i tried to figure out what he was looking for and just said anything i thought would keep me from being the torture victim, even though i knew that what i said didn't really matter.
it was the devil.
he knew what my feelings were, and that's what he was looking for.

after what seemed like an eternity of questioning, he was done. the devil excused a little more than half of the people in the room, told them to take their things, and go home, he appreciated their time, and waved them off with a smile.

when he turned that smile on those of us still waiting for what ever was coming, it still seemed like a pure and friendly smile, nothing malicious at all, though perhaps a little sad. then he sent an odious, vain young girl, and an off-the-wall egotistical man in his mid twenties out with his assistant. and that's when the real panic started.

this time i really did know.

empathy.
he was looking for people with empathy.

and that would be me.

 he was going to torture me and the handful of empathetic souls left in the room with me by torturing the two most self absorbed people in this twisted study group.

i feel so sick.

the guy and gal who were escorted away become illuminated behind the mirrored wall. there are two separate compartments for them, and they're both seated at tables that are facing each other, but on opposite sides of a wall. it's obvious that they can't see us or each other, though we can very easily see them.

all of a sudden, i'm stuck to the mat i'm seated on, unable to move at all, or look away from the two behind the mirror, though that's all i want in the world. probably because that's all i want in the world.

the vain girl pulls out a mirror from her pocket and starts primping, and we all watch her for a second, but then a spotlight goes on in the boy's cubicle. the devil's voice asks what his favorite type of cereal is, though his mouth doesn't move. the boy responds with 'fruity pebbles' and suddenly, a bowl, a box of fruity pebbles, a large spoon, and a cartoon of milk materialize on the table. he's told to pour himself a bowl, and as he does, i can see that there's something wrong with the green flakes. they're poison?

nope.

they're a devil-metal that as he swallows, expands and rips through his flesh and organs. slowly. as i watched, magically stuck in place, my eyes trained on him, unable to look away as he writhes in pain and horror, being ripped apart by jagged pieces of metal throughout his entire digestive system. it takes a long time for him to die, and i'm forced to watch this horrible thing. i feel as though i'm being torn apart myself; i half wish it were me instead of him, but really i just wish i could do anything at all to make it stop, and the knowledge that i can only watch is almost unbearable.

and when that scene has finally ended, the girl dies too, horrifically, i am sure, but either my brain is not imaginatively dark enough to come up with another horrible death for me to watch, or it knew i was mentally exhausted, because i didn't see her die, i just knew it happened.

and then it was done. i was freed from my frozen position on my mat, and the devil was thanking us for joining him, as cordial as ever, and inviting us to leave- but not without one last little tidbit. he reminded us that each one of us was called here for a reason, that we all deserved to be there, and that very likely, we'd be seeing him again, sooner rather than later.

as i gathered my things from the cubbies and throughout my entire walk home, i was left searching my brain, trying to figure out what horrible sin i'd committed to make the devil hand select me to participate in his little torture session.
a terrifyingly, i could come up with nothing.

one of those dreams where you wake up and are so excited to be in your own bed!

So i had one of my more disturbing dreams last night. I don't usually share my disturbing dreams, casue they're not usually as vivid as the fun and crazy ones, but this one was super clear.

It basically went like this, my dad had these friends from Guatemala who needed to get out of the country. I'm not sure why, but it wasn't safe for them anymore, like life or death not safe. So my dad, our friends Julie, Larry, and Michael, and myself, were going to help this family, which consisted of a mom, a dad, three teenage boys, and a young girl, get out of Guatemala and into the U.S.

Getting out of Guatemala was easy. We just put on these foamy pizza suits, were loaded into a van, and then my dad and Larry drove the van to the airport, loaded us all into the cargo portion of a plane, and then boarded the same plane. No problem, and easy as pie.

Getting into the U.S. was trickier.

For this portion of the trip, we split up into teams of 2 or 3, and each had a different plan to bypass customs. We weren't supposed to talk to each other or show that we knew each other in any way, so that if one team got caught, the rest could still get through. I was in charge of the little girl, we were passing her off as my daughter. She and I had no problems getting through customs, and out of the airport, no one even questioned us. But then we got into the parking lot, and this super skeezy guy walks up and puts his arm around my shoulder, trying to smooth talk me on the way to my car. I basically told him to get lost, and he was pretty pissed, but not complying, so I karate kicked his arm off my shoulder. My dad had seen everything that was going on, and was super concerned cause what if this guy filed a complaint against me to airport security? I shouldn't have kicked him. But right as my dad is telling me how stupid I'd been for kicking this guy, he comes back, looking like Gorilla Warfare Ken, complete with machine gun and ammunition belt.

In a panic, I dive behind some cars, bringing the little girl with me. He's following me with round after round, so i decide she'll be safer if I leave her behind the cars, and make a run for it. I tell the girl to stay perfectly still behind the car, and I dash around the parking lot, swerving this way and that around obstacles, until he losses me. For some reason, I'd thought that once he couldn't see me anymore, he'd stop shooting, but no, he just stands where he is, and spins in a circle, and just fires into the parking lot for several minutes, until he's finally out of ammo, and then he disappears. I crawl out of my hiding spot and survey the damage. There's a dead animal, either a great dane or a deer, I can't tell which, but other than that, there doesn't seem to be any casualties. I go back to where I left the little Guatemalan girl. She's still there, right behind the car where, I told her to stay safe, and she's riddled with bullet holes, and some of her guts are spilling out. I'm devestated. Turns out the mother died as well, and one of the sons was injured. I had to go visit him in the hopital, where I learn that him and his brothers have decided to create a youth army, dedicated to hunting down the geeky skeez man with the giant gun and no qualms about killing.

Wracked with guilt and a deep sense of dread, I wrench myself out of my sleeping state, and then I looked around, saw that everything was as it should be, and snuggled back into my coziest of beds, safe and sound, only to fall back asleep, and continue to be plagued by dreams where I replay the first dream over and over. How fun.

a swirling vortex of confusion

last night dream put connor, dustin, beth, and myself back in cabo. we were all on the beach watching the international cartoon x-games, where bart simpson was leading the u.s. team. i don't remember which country it was, but it wasn't us, but they built this crazy machine that was super long, and on one end there was a giant hoop which was really a fan that whirled air around in it super quickly, and then pushed down the rest of the length of this thing. each of the twenty or so team members from this other country stood in line, taking turns going up to the fan loop, and vomiting into it. the cartoon barf was swirled around , mixing with dust and sand, which of course turned it all into water, and created a giant spiral wave tube thing, which all of the x-game contestants then proceeded to surf.

it was nasty and cool all at the same time, but it turns out that this other country cheated in some way. while the judges were debating on what to do, our little quartet decided to go up to the cabin next to our resort, where a giant party was raging. it was a nudist party, which is pretty much exactly like a regular party, just that everyone is completely nude. so we're all , doin our thing in the buff- with the exception of trenton, who made a brief cameo in this dream, at the party, fully clothed and looking super uncomfortable talking to a bunch of dudes he didn't know. we all head downstairs, with the exception of beth, who's run into a friend and stays in the kitchen.downstairs is the entertainment room where a movie's playing. connor's off doing his socializing thing a little bit away, and trent's up in the kitchen, but i'm tired, so i decide to use dustin as a pillow. and as i'm thinking "isn't it great that dustin and i are such great friends that we can just lay here completely naked and there's nothing sexual about it" when all of a sudden, he's kissing me, and then i'm realizing he's kissing me, and i'm pushing his face away, and connor's storming off all pissed, and i'm yelling "what are you doing!?!" and dustin is slowly turning into turk from scrubs.

so after my initial protest dustin/turk starts being all "no, i've been thinking about this, and i really think that we could work really well, and i think we should get married."

my response: "well, shouldn't we give this a try for at least a week or so before getting married?"

turk/dustin does not agree. he thinks we should get married right away. so, we head down to the below basement basement, where an entire wedding party is already set up for me.

by this time turk is fully turk, complete with green scrubs and everything, and scrubs' carla is there being my maid of honor, and i'm in a fairly hideous snow queen 80's wedding dress, walking down the isle toward a catholic priest, surrounded by baby aspen trees covered in twinkle lights. but instead of the traditional vows, turns out i'm basically signing a contract saying i'll honor and obey turk to the end of my days, and i guarantee to bring about as many children as he decide's he wants.

but here's the catch- i'm not actually physically capable of having children, i'm completely barren. when turk finds this out, he goes completely nuts, and he's hitting me, and i'm running away, out of the nudist party cabin, and back out onto the beach where the cartoon x games are being held.

remember those?

well, since the whole cheating debacle, everything at the x-games has just been blown into a giant whirlwind of riots and chaos. and i hate riots and chaos! so i hightail it out of there, into the town, where i run into my good friend dallin. and i'm surprised he's there in cabo, until he explains to me that we're in a gay pride parade. so i join him in the parade, and am having a grand old time, when i realize that in addition to the normal rainbow banners, there also a ton of purple flags with one red stripe and one orange one. i'm wondering about this new flag, when i see a whole slew of reporters going around interviewing people about the 'silent partner' flags. apparently these flags are a secret symbol of support from people in high ranking positions of power who don't quite feel comfortable publicly supporting gay rights, but that doesn't mean they don't support them. i'm wondering how this will stay a secret symbol if it's going to be broadcast all over national television, but then as i look around, i notice that both the new flags and the faces of all the owners of the flag are blurred out, so no one will be able to tell anything about it if they aren't there.

and that's when the puppy woke me up.

sometimes i wonder how far my crazy dreams will go if i'm allowed to just go with it, and sleep and sleep until it's over!

kids vs zombies

ok, so it’s a zombie apocalypse, and i’m only like 15 years old, and all of my sisters are aged accordingly, meaning 12, 7, and 5, and we need to get out of our house and into a safe place. luckily, we already had our zombie apocalypse survival packs, now i just have to make sure we all have warm coats and that everyone’s holding as much food as they can carry. i send zoe to find boxes of ritz and bunny grahams, cause those are the best survival foods, and i try to hunt down warm jackets. however, all that’s to be found are some of my tattered old hoodies and sweaters. i decide that some warmth is better than no warmth and wrap little alexa and little robin into tattered hoodie bundles, and it actually works pretty well, cause i’m so much bigger than them, and because i’m such a great bundle-up-your-sister-so-she-won’t-freeze-to-death-er. when zoe gets back with the food, we divide it all according to carrying capacity, and head out on our sneaking, dangerous trek to the safe place where all kids know to go when the zombie apocalypse hits- the movie theatre in the joseph smith memorial building.

oh, i should probably mention that all of the adults in the entire very isolated city in which we live, have already been annihilated. this is why i am taking care of my sisters. it’s also probably why i am 15, 22 year olds are technically adults. also, the younger the sister, the cuter the bundle.

so we get to the theatre, which is only like 2 blcks away from our neighborhood, and first thing i do is make sure that all of the neighborhood kids are there.

hafens, check. petersons, check. kraczecks, check.

of course, the kraczeks are mostly who i was looking for. i head over to trent, make sure he has all 6 of his siblings, and that they're all safe and sound. he does. so, we leave all of our siblings in the very capable hands of john and landon, and trent and i find kadin, devan, and derek, cause they’re our zombie-raid buddies. we’re a team. not only are we a team, but we are an officially established zombie fighting team, and we're in charge of this safe haven.

once we’re sure we have everyone, we get cots set up for our families, make sure the heads of all the other households and the little kids who came by themselves all have places to sleep, and then settle in to watch the film that’s playing. it’s about duck squirrels that water ski.

yep, that’s basically exactly how you’re picturing it, cute litte squirrels with duck bills on water skis, going down white water rivers. oh, and this is a documentary. an educational documentary. these guys are totally real.

i’m laughing at the funny little squirrel’s duck call, when i hear my mother giggling, and i look over, and she’s on the cot next to me! she and my dad both escaped from the fancy ball that all of the adults had been attending when the zombies attacked, and somehow had escaped before the building was totally overrun by zombies and their brains were eaten. but she didn’t want me to make a scene and alert all of the other kids, and even worse, the zombies, so she winked at me with a sneaky little smile on her face, raised her finger to her lips and continued watching the squirrels.

Drag Queens, Shower Sewing Caves, and So Many People!

Let’s start off with a fancy schmancy dinner party/theatrical production. I’m sitting there with my new gay best friend, who I’m just meeting for the first time and who doesn't have a name but is fantastically well dressed, and he’s so excited cause it’s his boyfriend’s directorial debut, and I’m going to be SO excited when I figure out what they play is! But he won’t just tell me, he wants to see the look of joy and surprise when I first realize what it is.

The curtain goes up, and who is standing there but a 7 foot tall, red headed Frankenfurter. I am, I’m joyous. The Rocky Horror Show! I love it! And not only is Frankenfurter a giant, his identical twin brother is playing Rocky. They look exactly the same, crazy facial hair, costuming, everything, except Rocky’s hair is bleached blond. I think playing up the twin thing is a weird costuming choice, but meh, sometimes people just have different ideas, and it’s still full of singing, dancing, and drag queens. I’m in heaven.

Then, at another long banquet table, I spot my mother sitting there with my two youngest sisters, and I’m not so sure how child appropriate this play is. I mean, I wasn’t allowed to watch Rocky Horror until I was 16, even though I fell in love with it on my 13^th birthday when I discovered its existence, and here’s Robin, watching it at twelve? Oh well, I guess my mom’s the mom, she can let her kids do whatever she feels is best.

After the play, I was running into so many of my favorite actor friends at the after party, that I was ok with the fact that I had been separated form Best Friend and his boy. I even ran into my friend Jon, who I was so excited to see, since I had seen him in a play a little while back, and hadn’t been able to stay after the show to speak with him. We were just settling down for a nice chat, when all of a sudden I find myself in my parent’s kitchen.

And it is pandemonium in there.

There are sisters and Kraczeks and nephews and nieces all over the place! There is a big game of Castle going on, where one of the nephews and one of the Kraczeks are in cardboard box suites-of-armor, and there are several princesses, and the littlest nephew is a dragon, and he’s running around ‘ROAR’ing at everyone and giggling in delight, as the knights try to vanquish him and the princesses scream and run away. I'm pretty sure Zoe was stuck in the cardboard castle they'd made, somehow she'd gotten in, but couldn't get out without breaking it, cause it really wasn't Zoe sized. Kind of like in Alice in Wonderland, when she goes into the house and then eats that cake and turns huge.

And sitting at the kitchen table is my Connor, who I haven’t seen in so long, and I’m so happy to see him! But he’s helping some Kraczek brothers make pancakes, so I leave him be and go off in search of my mother.

Guess where I find her? In my old shower, which she has turned into a sewing room. Up until this point in my life, I’d never noticed how large and cavernous my shower was. It easily fits my mother, her sewing machine, and her boxes of fabric, at least 10 times over. Oh! And my puppies are there! And we wrestle for a minutes, cause we’re always excited to see each other. After wrestling, I look up to see my mom fitting Robin into a dress while chatting away with Julianne, who’s son is upstairs being a dragon, and instead of interrupting (i’m not into interrupting throughout this whole dream, it seems), I go out of the shower, and find my old closet, where I have a ton of clothes I need to go through and see which ones I still need, and which I need to give away. Here, I come across my favorite grey pants, which just don’t fit me anymore. Back into the shower.

I was going to offer these pants to Julianne, but then I realize that M'Recia is there as well, and she'd fit equally well into these pants! So I go off in search of another pair of ill-fitting pants to share with my other friend. I find some! And back in the shower/sewing room, they fit Angela perfectly.

Yes, M'Recia turned into Angela. That happens in dreams sometimes.

All of us girls are now talking and giggling, and then for some reason, it's just Julianne and I outside of a coffee shop in the most colorful part of downtown Salt Lake. All of the buildings in this corner of town are set up like building blocks, super colorful building blocks. And we’re going to a coffee shop to meet with my friend Dallas, who I haven’t seen in forever! Probably because he’s moved to New York, but he’s back visiting, so we’re all getting together in this most colorful back alley. When we actually meet up with him, Dallas says that he’d love to go get coffee still, but only after he shows me something, so we walk around the corner to a giant costume shop. Turns out, the reason he’s in town was to see Rocky Horror, which he was going to the next night, because a really good friend of his had done all of the costumes for it, and Dallas had thought I would enjoy looking around his shop.

Which I totally did.

There was so much to look at, frills and ribbons, and fluffy skirts everywhere! And there was a definite Drag vibe going on- probably from the whole Rocky Horror, sweet transvestite thing. It was a blast. And then off to coffee. And then back to my parent’s house.

My parent's basement hallway to be exact. I'm basically teleported there, and I pretty much run smack into a boy. But not just any boy- Trenton! I hadn’t realized it, but it’s August, and he’s come back for his birthday! I’m so excited to see him, I give him a big ole kiss. That’s when I realize his face is really gaunt, and his whole self looks tired and worn and stressed. But I don’t dwell on that for too long because TRENT’S HOME! I run up the stairs to tell everyone, and everyone’s already there!

Kaden and Brayden and Jadryn, and all of those ‘en’ names, as well as Derek and Val, and all of the Becks, including old Stephen- not mission Stephen, and Danielle, and Kelsey, and Devan! Devan took leave from the Navy to celebrate Trent’s birthday with us! And everyone who was previously in the dream, they’re there, and their families are there.Even Cassidy and Trevor and Julie, who don't even know Trent are there to celebrate. Just so many people.

And looking around, I realize the only person who’s missing is Connor. But then some arms wrap around me, and basically everything is perfect. Everyone I love is in one room.

And that was my epic dream from last night.

it's amazing what people will believe

the other night i had a dream that i ran away with my friend ricky so that we could live happily ever in san fransisco together. our lives were going to be perfect in every way. only, i needed my friend kelsey to come with me, and she wasn't allowed!something to do with having an extra chick on the honeymoon being awkward, and there being a rule that said only 2 persons per household in my apartment building. with some quick thinking on my part, i was able to convince both ricky and our landlord that kelsey was my pet cat, therefore allowing her to live with me in my new, perfectly peaceful, san fransiscan home.

the end.

all the stress in my brain

my life is kinda hectic right now. i'm working two jobs, I’m trying to start working for myself on the side as an amazing crafter type gal, i have a thriving band that i'm devoting a ton of time to, i'm going on vacation next week- which is awesome, don't get me wrong, but it means time off of work, which means a slight shortage on the income front, and on top of all that, i'm moving the week after i get back.

like i said, a little hectic.

also, a little stressful.

i think last night’s dream touched on some of those stresses.

right before retiring for the evening, i received the go ahead from my soon to be landlord/roommate to paint my bedroom, as well as set my photowall in the new room. very exciting.

as i fell asleep, thoughts of wall colors were floating in my head, and landed in my subconscious, where i decided that i didn’t have time to move/decorate, so i would have to hire a stylist. you know, a house stylist. it just so happened, i was great friends with one of the best house stylists in all of dreamland, who later turned out to be my dear friend Erik- who may not be super flamboyant in real life, but was double super flamboyant in this dream.

also, he looked like tobias from arrested development.

erik was going through his blue and white phase, so i left for work expecting to come home to blacks and greys with splashes of color (you know, the way i would have done it) and instead came home to this:

except shabbier. and not only was my bedroom all blue and white and pristine looking in a shabby sheek type of way, the living room/kitchen area was as well, which was NOT what i asked for.

all of dustin’s red and black had gone away. the painting of trent resnor that had been done by a friend was gone, the gun print was gone, the couch and the tv and the x-box were gone, the kitchen was pretty much non-existent, reduced to a tiny corner, all replaced by urban decay furnishings accented with thrift store finds, made to resemble a cramped manhattan studio apartment, and painted over with super white white and bluer than the ocean blue.

dustin was going to kill me.

in a panic, i started begging erik and his entourage to help me put everything back the way it was, which he ‘simply did not do, but’, he said ‘for you darling, anything.’

so we’re scrambling to haul all the new stuff out, and all the old stuff back in, which included tearing down the exposed brick wall, and repainting the normal ones underneath, and a couple of friends come to help out, one of them being my dear angela.

and angela, in my dream, walks right up to erik and says, ‘erik, i love you with all of my heart. we should be friends again.’ and she hugs him.

and that’s where this dream ends.