" Like a straying baby lamb
With no mama and no papa
I'm so unhappy, I'm so unhappy yeah
...But oh so glad"
-Mamas and the Papas
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Saturday, July 4, 2009
oh my back-flippin' goodness
so, let me start out by saying, i'm pretty.
i know, a horridly self centered way to start things, isn't it? but let me explain.
i hate to be told that i'm pretty. it makes me uncomfortable. it makes me doubt myself. it makes me feel gross and all sorts of negative things. why? i don't know. but up until probably a year and a half ago, i couldn't even think that i might be pretty before going into a total meltdown.
but now i can state the fact that i'm pretty without feeling any negative emotions at all. well, at least until i think about it too hard and start loathing myself. but that's not really the piont. the piont is, i know i'm pretty, but in a subtle little way. i'm not drop dead gorgeous, or even regular gorgeous, i'm just a simple pretty. maybe even just not bad looking. that's good way to put it!
anyway, normally i don't get admired by anyone other than the random homeless man or crazy person on the streets. but today, the men of salt lake city went crazy.
it started as i was walking to my bus stop after work. a car passing had a whistler in it. i smiled.
then i got to my bus stop. there was a man sitting on the bench. let me describe him. mediun hight. white mustachy thing, grey hair. sunglasses that don't let me see his eyes. sun browned skin and calloused hands that suggest that he spends a lot of time working out in the sun. I guess contruction worker. later i find that i've guessed correctly. i'd say he's somewhere in his early 50's. so, naturally, i sit next to him, smile, and say "hi!"
i need to learn to stop smiling. it always gets me into trouble.
so he strikes up a conversation. he's waiting for bus 217, which bus am i waiting for? i tell him.
oh! that one goes way out there to ogden!
yes it does
well, i feel sorry for you.
no need
do you make this trip often?
no, usually i take the frontrunner
how's that work for ya?
i tell him.
he asks where i work. joseph smith memorial building.
so, you're mormon. do you believe in Christ?
i smile and make a non comital noise. i'm not in the mood to discus theologywith a complete stranger. it's too hot for that.
he takes this reaction as a no. and freaks out a little.
i learn that he's lds. has been his entire life, but he's just recently accepted Jesus as his Savior, and if i don't believe in Christ, well that just breaks his heart.
and i'm in a theological discussion with a complete stranger.
right about now, another guy comes up, asking me if i have 75 cents. i have 80, which i cheerfully give to the man, who, by the way, completely ignores the first man, telling me that i have a very pretty dress and a beautiful smile. i say thank you, and the man walks away.
that was a very nice thing you just did.
i smile.
thanks.
and of a sudden, the guy gets choked up.
why?
because Jesus has sent me to him. why else would a beautiful young girl sit next to him and start talking like there was no problem at all? he can just see the spirit coming out of every fiber of my beautiful being.
and there it is. he said i was beautiful more than once. i am now uncomfortable.
and i learn the man's name is kevin.
kevin continues to talk. tells me about his job. tells me he grew up here. wants to know where i'm from. i pause. he takes this as the begining of a great story, smiles, and encourages me to go on, but appologizing. he doesn't mean to pry.
so as i name the major cities i've lived in, male #3 drives up. he's stopped at the light and i can feel him staring. so what do i do?
i smile at him.
and what does he do? starts sending me kisses from his car. i give a goodbye wave and turn my attention back back to kevin. i'm not going to encourage this behavior. he doesn't care whether i'm encouraging him or not, the kisses continue until the light turns green and he drives away.
by now i'm annoyed that my bus hasn't come by yet.
but what can i do? i have no other way to get home, so i continue to sit on the bench.
and wait. with kevin. who keeps repeating himself. i was sent to him from Christ. God works in mysterious ways. i have all the answers. so, girl with all the answers? what does he do next?
i have no idea. he doesn't believe me.
and now he's crying. quite litterally crying. i don't know what to do. he excuses himself, scooting to the far end of the bench. i look away.
we sit in silence until males #4 and 5 show up. they are also stopped by a red light. the driver honks, which means i automatically look up at him. he smiles and waves. i smile and wave back. i'm just friendly that way.
do you know those guys?
no.
the driver boy is trying to talk to me, but i can't hear him. i do however have my first thought of how weird my afternoon is turning out. then i hear
hey! get out of here!
it's kevin. i turn to him. he looks angry, then sheepish. he apologizes. he doesn't mean to be rude. i shrug. no big deal. then he scoots a bit closer to me.
tell me something
...um...
tell me something i want to know
...um... i don't know what you want to know
well, why don't you start with telling me how you got to be so beautiful. because you are damn beautiful. i mean you>he lowers his voice for this< ...you are fucking gorgeous
i blame my mom. the conversation turns to how big of a knock out she was in high school, and how she's still really pretty, even if she doesn't think so.
but by now, i'm officially uncomfortable. not because of the strange man, or the fact that he's slowly getting closer to me, oh no. it's really because he keeps telling me how pretty i am. that makes me really uncomfortable.
and now he's back to his spiel about how i've been sent to him. i'm delightful; i've made my mark; i've got so much life ahead of me; i can do no wrong; God lives within me- he can see it. you know-all that jazz.
and i realize that we are now really close to each other. and he's touching my arm. and then he says
i'm about to do something that's gonna make you angry with me
now, up until this point, i've been pretty much all smiles. but no longer. i have turned into steely faced tink. and i tell him, no, he will not be doing anything to make me mad, though in truth, i am already angry with him. he tells me might like it. i inform him that no, i will not. am i sure?
yes i'm sure.
we sit there.
let me see your eyes
i look toward him. he touches my face. i tense.
relax
i relax. i turn and look directly at him. and i say in my calmest, least tink like voice:
and now, would you kindly take your hand off my face.
he does, sighing, if that's the way you want it.
steely tink says, yes, it is.
and guess what i see right at this moment? my bus!
i pop up out of my seat, smiley tink right back again, turn to kevin, smile my biggest smile, and chirp, well, this is my bus! nice meeting you kevin. and i hope you have the most fabulous life!
then i proceed to hop onto my bus, give a big smile to the bus driver, flounce down the isle to the very back row-there's more leg room there- and plop myself next to a boy who turns out to be crazy male #6, who i of course had to smile at.
it's been an interesting day.
i know, a horridly self centered way to start things, isn't it? but let me explain.
i hate to be told that i'm pretty. it makes me uncomfortable. it makes me doubt myself. it makes me feel gross and all sorts of negative things. why? i don't know. but up until probably a year and a half ago, i couldn't even think that i might be pretty before going into a total meltdown.
but now i can state the fact that i'm pretty without feeling any negative emotions at all. well, at least until i think about it too hard and start loathing myself. but that's not really the piont. the piont is, i know i'm pretty, but in a subtle little way. i'm not drop dead gorgeous, or even regular gorgeous, i'm just a simple pretty. maybe even just not bad looking. that's good way to put it!
anyway, normally i don't get admired by anyone other than the random homeless man or crazy person on the streets. but today, the men of salt lake city went crazy.
it started as i was walking to my bus stop after work. a car passing had a whistler in it. i smiled.
then i got to my bus stop. there was a man sitting on the bench. let me describe him. mediun hight. white mustachy thing, grey hair. sunglasses that don't let me see his eyes. sun browned skin and calloused hands that suggest that he spends a lot of time working out in the sun. I guess contruction worker. later i find that i've guessed correctly. i'd say he's somewhere in his early 50's. so, naturally, i sit next to him, smile, and say "hi!"
i need to learn to stop smiling. it always gets me into trouble.
so he strikes up a conversation. he's waiting for bus 217, which bus am i waiting for? i tell him.
oh! that one goes way out there to ogden!
yes it does
well, i feel sorry for you.
no need
do you make this trip often?
no, usually i take the frontrunner
how's that work for ya?
i tell him.
he asks where i work. joseph smith memorial building.
so, you're mormon. do you believe in Christ?
i smile and make a non comital noise. i'm not in the mood to discus theologywith a complete stranger. it's too hot for that.
he takes this reaction as a no. and freaks out a little.
i learn that he's lds. has been his entire life, but he's just recently accepted Jesus as his Savior, and if i don't believe in Christ, well that just breaks his heart.
and i'm in a theological discussion with a complete stranger.
right about now, another guy comes up, asking me if i have 75 cents. i have 80, which i cheerfully give to the man, who, by the way, completely ignores the first man, telling me that i have a very pretty dress and a beautiful smile. i say thank you, and the man walks away.
that was a very nice thing you just did.
i smile.
thanks.
and of a sudden, the guy gets choked up.
why?
because Jesus has sent me to him. why else would a beautiful young girl sit next to him and start talking like there was no problem at all? he can just see the spirit coming out of every fiber of my beautiful being.
and there it is. he said i was beautiful more than once. i am now uncomfortable.
and i learn the man's name is kevin.
kevin continues to talk. tells me about his job. tells me he grew up here. wants to know where i'm from. i pause. he takes this as the begining of a great story, smiles, and encourages me to go on, but appologizing. he doesn't mean to pry.
so as i name the major cities i've lived in, male #3 drives up. he's stopped at the light and i can feel him staring. so what do i do?
i smile at him.
and what does he do? starts sending me kisses from his car. i give a goodbye wave and turn my attention back back to kevin. i'm not going to encourage this behavior. he doesn't care whether i'm encouraging him or not, the kisses continue until the light turns green and he drives away.
by now i'm annoyed that my bus hasn't come by yet.
but what can i do? i have no other way to get home, so i continue to sit on the bench.
and wait. with kevin. who keeps repeating himself. i was sent to him from Christ. God works in mysterious ways. i have all the answers. so, girl with all the answers? what does he do next?
i have no idea. he doesn't believe me.
and now he's crying. quite litterally crying. i don't know what to do. he excuses himself, scooting to the far end of the bench. i look away.
we sit in silence until males #4 and 5 show up. they are also stopped by a red light. the driver honks, which means i automatically look up at him. he smiles and waves. i smile and wave back. i'm just friendly that way.
do you know those guys?
no.
the driver boy is trying to talk to me, but i can't hear him. i do however have my first thought of how weird my afternoon is turning out. then i hear
hey! get out of here!
it's kevin. i turn to him. he looks angry, then sheepish. he apologizes. he doesn't mean to be rude. i shrug. no big deal. then he scoots a bit closer to me.
tell me something
...um...
tell me something i want to know
...um... i don't know what you want to know
well, why don't you start with telling me how you got to be so beautiful. because you are damn beautiful. i mean you>he lowers his voice for this< ...you are fucking gorgeous
i blame my mom. the conversation turns to how big of a knock out she was in high school, and how she's still really pretty, even if she doesn't think so.
but by now, i'm officially uncomfortable. not because of the strange man, or the fact that he's slowly getting closer to me, oh no. it's really because he keeps telling me how pretty i am. that makes me really uncomfortable.
and now he's back to his spiel about how i've been sent to him. i'm delightful; i've made my mark; i've got so much life ahead of me; i can do no wrong; God lives within me- he can see it. you know-all that jazz.
and i realize that we are now really close to each other. and he's touching my arm. and then he says
i'm about to do something that's gonna make you angry with me
now, up until this point, i've been pretty much all smiles. but no longer. i have turned into steely faced tink. and i tell him, no, he will not be doing anything to make me mad, though in truth, i am already angry with him. he tells me might like it. i inform him that no, i will not. am i sure?
yes i'm sure.
we sit there.
let me see your eyes
i look toward him. he touches my face. i tense.
relax
i relax. i turn and look directly at him. and i say in my calmest, least tink like voice:
and now, would you kindly take your hand off my face.
he does, sighing, if that's the way you want it.
steely tink says, yes, it is.
and guess what i see right at this moment? my bus!
i pop up out of my seat, smiley tink right back again, turn to kevin, smile my biggest smile, and chirp, well, this is my bus! nice meeting you kevin. and i hope you have the most fabulous life!
then i proceed to hop onto my bus, give a big smile to the bus driver, flounce down the isle to the very back row-there's more leg room there- and plop myself next to a boy who turns out to be crazy male #6, who i of course had to smile at.
it's been an interesting day.
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